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  • Writer's pictureJessica Taylor Yates and Nicole Sherwin

Bachelor Recap E02: Locky's Letters Home

The token ginger was all over me like bedbugs in a Kuta hostel.

"OMG, really, I had no idea t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ he would pick me." Source: Channel 10

Dear Mummy,

After last night, I was more pooped than that time I got Bali Belly from brushing my teeth with the water that Laura 'Louis Vucon' thinks is so gross. So, J̶o̶n̶a̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ Oshie let me have a sleep in w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶i̶r̶l̶s̶ ̶j̶u̶d̶g̶e̶d̶ ̶e̶a̶c̶h̶ ̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶b̶e̶r̶ ̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶.̶ I tell you what, Channel 10 is bonza for a bargain. They decked the mansion with all the flowers from Flemington that won’t be used this Spring Racing Carnival.

I had a w̶e̶t̶ dream about t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ Bella last night, so naturally t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ I wanted to take her on the first date. But, mummy, I was so mad at that Oshi guy! I wanted our date to be a raft making challenge, then we could test our work on the white rapids of Sydney. I wanted to ease Bella into her new life a̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶I̶n̶s̶t̶a̶g̶r̶a̶m̶ ̶i̶n̶f̶l̶u̶e̶n̶c̶e̶r in Kuta. But Oshi said ‘no’ mummy! He said they literally did that in Fiji three days ago. So unfair! I had to settle for a yacht that was ALREADY BUILT. Jonathan would never have let this happen.

"I can just see that blue tick on the horizon." Source: Channel 10

So then mummy, C̶h̶a̶n̶n̶e̶l̶ ̶1̶0̶ I had an idea. I thought a nice c̶h̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶g̶e̶ date would be to re-enact all the yacht scenes I saw in this really good movie, 365 Days, like a modern 50 Shades or whatever. But then that Oshi guy said Bella is ‘no baby girl,’ and Channel 10’s policy is strictly limited to smooching. I guess Bella is more of the Straight Outta Nicholas Sparks type, anyway. She even forgot to button up her dress, poor sheila! Then, mummy, I tried this new drink, called 'cham-pag-ne.' It was yucky! BINTANG4LYF! HAHAHA BOIZ BOIZ BOIZ. Anyway, then I gave Bella i̶m̶m̶u̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶x̶t̶ ̶e̶l̶i̶m̶i̶n̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ a rose. We kissed, t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶b̶a̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶m̶e̶r̶a̶s̶ ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶. It was magical.

"Guess what's happening beneath the water mummy?! Hehehe" Source: Channel 10.

After my date with t̶h̶e̶ a̶c̶t̶u̶a̶l̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ Bella, t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶m̶a̶d̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶'r̶a̶t̶i̶n̶g̶s̶' ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶s̶ I got to try out polygamy and go on a date with MANY ladies at once! I swear a bunch of birds popped up that I had never seen in my life. T̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶d̶i̶a̶ ̶t̶e̶a̶m̶ I mean, I, thought The Papermill (?) would be a great venue to have a real orig date - a photoshoot! 'Get in the NISSAN DUKE!' yelled Oshi, and off we went. And mummy, he was soo funny. He played such a good trick on the girls- he said the photos would be in the newspapers! Haha good one Osh, everyone knows they don't exist anymore! It’s Daily Mail or nothing. And as for those who say they're above it, fuck off. Everyone reads the Daily Mail.

He’s a meal in his suit, and a snack in his casual wear” - Zoe-Claire Ranga.

The first shoot was with Areeba, Nicole and Zoe-Claire Ranga. It was meant to be a group shot at the bar, but Zoe-Claire Ranga had the fire of 1000 redheads within and was all over me like bedbugs in a Kuta hostel.

"Cocktail?" "No thanks, I'm still hung AF from 'taking ill' last night” - Zoe-Claire Ranga

Honestly, mummy, the jealousy between the girls was Coyote Ugly HAHAHA bit of pop culture there for you. Thankfully, their time was up and g̶i̶r̶l̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶b̶a̶t̶s̶h̶i̶t̶ Nurse Irina and good ol' Burrito Steph'o came in. Laura ‘Louis Vucon’ was there too, I think they gave her a character as the jealous younger sister in a $15 off-the-shoulder Supre top, which mummy I just think - so well cast! Burrito Steph'o was dressed as a man and she was SOOO FUNNY! I wonder if the other girls realise when they’re being outshone by a woman dressed as a man, they’re just there as seat fillers? Well if they don’t, you can always let them know when you get here!

I do love a girl in a costume - penguins, moustaches, mmm...Source: Channel 10.

Just as I thought we could go home and finish off the servo sangas from last night, a bird starts walking down the aisle towards us. And mummy, I thought for a moment it was Brooke! Thankfully, it was S̶o̶p̶h̶i̶e̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶k̶ ANOTHER HOT BLONDE! You know, because of Channel 10's whole W̶h̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶A̶u̶s̶t̶r̶a̶l̶i̶a̶ ̶P̶o̶l̶i̶c̶y̶ knowing-my-type thing.

"Just don't look them in the eye" Source: Channel 10

We did a dance together for the final shoot and J̶o̶n̶a̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ Oshi made t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶r̶i̶b̶a̶l̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶n̶c̶i̶l̶ all the other girls watch. A̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶B̶r̶o̶o̶k̶e̶. And mummy, I could feel the ginger one burning fire through my back, but it wasn’t just from RANGA, it was seething jealousy projected in my direction from ALL THE GIRLS, even the ones all the way back at the Ishka Mansion. They were crying and throwing tantrums. I think a̶l̶l̶ some of them lied on their applications because surely they are not grown adults?!

It's like Overachievers vs. Underdogs in Fiji all over again. Source: Channel 10

I mean, I know I'm a snack and they're only human, but mummy - I’m scared. There might actually be a murder this season. I was so freaked out I didn't even send anyone home, just put 'em all back in the NISSAN DUKE for another week with Osh.

But seriously - can you come and pick me up?

Love ya,


More Bach? Read the other recaps here.


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