Bachelor Recap E03: Locky's Letters Home

Finally a challenge for me! One of the non-blondes slipped me a multifaced letter and told me to read. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

"Quick, who am I keeping next?" Source: 10Play

Dear Mummy,

After their communal hissy fit on the photoshoot for the magazine, the gals piled into the NISSAN DUKE back to the Ishka Mansion, where ̶J̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶a̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶a̶̶̶n̶̶̶ Oshi told me some of them were ̶a̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶k̶i̶l̶l̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶p̶u̶p̶p̶y̶ still sulking. So he locked up one, Roxi Tatts, in the dungeon. Yes, mummy, there’s a dungeon. It’s where the bad birds go if they misbehave. Oshi has to keep them in line so they don’t leak secrets to the Daily Mail mid-season. Zoe-Claire Ranga spent a lot of time there during the first cocktail party.

But I didn’t care, because I was on a date with o̶̶̶n̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶̶̶o̶̶̶f̶̶̶ ̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶̶̶h̶̶̶o̶̶̶t̶̶̶ ̶̶̶b̶̶̶l̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶d̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶̶̶c̶̶̶l̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶e̶̶̶s̶̶̶, Kaitlyn. Our conversation was so deep, we touched souls. I shared with her my deepest values: STRENGTH AND HONOUR. That’s right mummy, she loved my ̶1̶2̶ ̶-̶i̶n̶c̶h̶ ̶p̶e̶e̶n̶ tatts. But budgets aren’t what they were in Tim 'Pierce' Robard's day, and Oshi only allowed us to eat Bega Cheese on the date. Mummy, you know I’m Mercer Valley or nothing! So we headed back to the mansion for the ̶w̶e̶e̶k̶l̶y̶ ̶c̶o̶v̶i̶d̶ ̶t̶e̶s̶t̶ leftover servo sangas instead.

"Where's my Mercer Valley?" Source: WikiHow

Back at the Ishka Mansion, there was a smell in the air, worse than my bathroom after a bout of Bali belly. It was jealousy...with a hint of desperation. The birds weren't happy that I'd gone from dating 345 girls at once, to now 346. Especially Laura Louis Vuconn. She demanded the producers immediately accelerate her blue tick for enduring this Porsche free, polygamous lifestyle. She said this is not what the teach at Penrhos. Is that a club?

There’s a lot of birds in there mummy, a lot of names ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶e̶m̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶p̶i̶e̶c̶e̶.̶ They all look so similar I can’t even tell them apart. Apparently, there's a teacher in there who doesn't even know how many World Wars we've had. EVERYONE KNOWS THE ANSWER IS FOUR. But this party was good because I got to know some of the girls throughout the ̶t̶h̶r̶e̶e̶ ̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶o̶t̶i̶n̶g̶,̶ ̶w̶e̶a̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶e̶x̶a̶c̶t̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶c̶l̶o̶t̶h̶e̶s̶,̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶e̶n̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶cocktail party. And it turns out we have a lot of the same interests! They were all mad keen on ̶a̶ ̶V̶I̶P̶ ̶c̶a̶b̶a̶n̶a̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶F̶i̶n̶n̶s̶ exploring Kuta with me. So many of the girls are into star signs, which is bonza, because I’m so into star signs, I have the Southern Cross tattooed on my left rib.

"I can't believe we both like Tropicola better than Potato Head!" Source: 10Play

Then mummy, some of the girls came towards me that were not blonde. I didn’t think Channel 10 allowed those? I was ready to call Oshi over, when I thought, maybe they’re producers and they’ve got some Mercer Valley with them? I’d really been craving some bougie cheese since my date with ̶S̶o̶p̶h̶i̶e̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶k̶, Kaitlyn and ̶d̶e̶m̶a̶n̶d̶e̶d̶ ̶asked Oshi to go and find the money in the budget. So, I let the 3 Non-Blondes sit with me and get this mummy, turns out they are contestants and I’m dating them too! They didn’t bring the Mercer Valley, but we did have ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶d̶i̶v̶e̶r̶s̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶B̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶o̶r̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶t̶o̶r̶y̶ ̶a chat about spicy foods. I blew a lid mummy, which I know, I promised I’d rein it in ̶a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶I̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶k̶i̶c̶k̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶S̶u̶r̶v̶i̶v̶o̶r̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶t̶e̶m̶p̶e̶r̶, but I ALREADY TOLD THEM IT WAS YUCKY AND I DON’T WANT IT. I WANT MERCER VALLEY. But then one of them gave me a lap dance, and I felt much better.

"So you're actually on this show? No kidding!" Source: 10Play

Then finally: MY TURN FOR A CHALLENGE. About time. One of the 3 Non-Blondes slipped me ̶a̶ ̶V̶I̶P̶ ̶p̶a̶s̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶W̶a̶t̶e̶r̶b̶o̶m̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶k̶ a multifaced letter and told me to read it later. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. But mummy, it was so long. I wrote shorter essays in high school. I’m not sure Shakespeare is the girl for me. Locky like outdoor. But I gave her a rose for her troubles.

Locky No Likey. Source: NBC

I thought one of the blonde clones was a teacher, but turns out Areeba is, because BOY WAS SHE MAD when she found out there were notes being passed behind her back! We didn’t need to bring an intern up from the dungeon to light the candles for the rose ceremony, because the fire Areeba was enough to light them for us. Mummy, remind me to keep that girl around for the fire-starting challenge!

"Did Bish just call me a ranga again? " Source: 10 Play

While Areeba was keeping the girls occupied with the drama, I got to sneak off with ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ Bella and have a cheeky smooch. Mummy, she’s my mi amore, which coincidentally is also my next tattoo! Maybe we can get matching tattoos in Canggu when we leave the Ishka Mansion?

"I can't wait to get our wedding bands tattooed." Source: 10 play

̶T̶r̶i̶b̶a̶l̶ ̶C̶o̶u̶n̶c̶i̶l̶ ̶Rose Ceremony Time! I gave Daddy Steph the first rose, because even though she dressed up as a man, I still like her more than the other non-blondes. Then ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶o̶r̶d̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶c̶h̶ ̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶g̶i̶r̶l̶s̶ ̶I̶ ̶k̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶p̶i̶e̶c̶e̶ it was a tough decision, but I had to send home some brunettes.

Love ya,

Lock

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