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  • Nicole Sherwin

Lazy Girl Life Skills

Updated: Oct 1, 2020

We're not actually lazy, we're efficient in avoiding things we don't like.

Source: Twitter

This segment is from the Large Almond Latte Podcast Episode: Lazy Girl Life Skills

This week I found myself Googling ‘how to lose weight without trying.’ Because when I’m exercising I actually do love it, but there’s nothing I hate more than starting exercise when you’re unfit and after having a baby. Additionally, being under house arrest for basically this whole year, it’s safe to say I am no Cathy Freeman. There were so many articles with tips like ‘drink coffee’ and ‘sleep lots.’ Obviously, I do those things and they are not helping, but then I was like, ‘Omg what the actual fuck I am doing?! Go for a run you lazy bitch!' You’ll be pleased to know that I did shut my laptop. I obviously did not go for a run, but I did get a segment for this week.

Fans, this week in the Facebook Group we asked you: what are your laziest life skills?

And when the responses started rolling in I realised - we’re not lazy, we’re highly efficient. We’re living by a life philosophy I bet Voltaire himself wished would have thought of. We minimise time doing things we don’t like so that we can maximise things we do sleeping!

My favourite place. Source: GIPHY

Quote of the week, which is an award I just made up, goes to fan Mia, who said “I prioritise sleep over everything else.” Because that is all of us. We’re elite in the workweek morning routine. We’ve refined it to a point where our sleep is maximised, yet we still turn up to work looking fine enough to be your work crush, not like we rolled out of bed five minutes ago, which we literally did. And we’re going to talk about work when you actually go to work because I don’t want to finish watching this season of Lockdown and I’m done and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Firstly, you have to prepare as much as possible the night before. Snacks, lunch, bag packed. It needs to be ready to go. Your clothes also need to be laid out. You don’t have time in the morning to be knee-deep in the laundry basket in the morning looking for a clean bra. That’s precious sleep time lost. Bonus points if you live with someone else you can con into doing this for you, but not your mum. You’re too old for that.

Nailing it. Source: GIPHY

Unless you’re a natural 12/10, you’re probably going to put a lick of makeup on. Now I strongly suggest the eyelash lift, which I spoke about in the ep “It’s time for a makeup routine.” It eliminates the use of mascara completely and lasts twice as long as falsies.

The look we’re going for at work is the ‘look alive professional.’ For look alive, it’s a dab of concealer under the eyes and a smidge of colour on the cheeks. For the ‘professional,’ it’s a lick of coloured lip tint. Obviously application by the finger, or if you must use a brush, save the washing for later. Fans Jess and Janine can conquer this look in under five mins.

Every time. Source: GIPHY

It seems you were split on the place of application. Obviously the more efficient route is in the car or public transport, not your bathroom. We have two literal makeup application gods amongst us fans. Marisa and Carly not only put on their make up on public transport on the way to work, but they also can do winged eyeliner on the tram! I can’t even do the winged eyeliner in my own bathroom! I look like a three-year-old has drawn on me with a sharpie. They tie for the award of most efficient makeup application, which is another award I just made up because I’m feeling so generous today.

This feels like the opposite of lazy. Source: GIPHY

Speaking of public transport, our #1 contributor fan Polina has weighed in here, doing nothing to rectify the hard nerd image she created for herself last week. Polina is not a fan of running for the train...and who is? There’s nothing worse than making the train and having to work overtime to control your breathing so everyone on the carriage can’t see how puffed you really are from running those 10 metres So to avoid even the smallest of trots, Polina pulled out the old Texas Instrument and calculated how much time she needs to get ready so she will make the train. I feel like the avoidance of running is cancelled out with the work required to calculate avoiding said run. But if you like maths like Polina does, I guess it’s not really work!

All of us eating breakfast on Monday mornings. Source: GIPHY

Let’s talk about breakfast options. And there’s a few depending on your situations, but safe to say none of them involve eating smashed avocado on corn fritters on your balcony while you read the morning paper, or Instagram. Fan Moni will only eat cereal for breakfast because toast, which takes three minutes to cook, is 'too long'. For me, I make toast and take it in the car, but I think we have found our queen of morning efficiency, because Moni works two minutes from her house, so she wouldn’t even finish the toast. That’s right, Moni has also selected her workplace based on sleep maximisation. Another option, which I’m fond of, is making breakfast at work. This is a double win, because you get more time sleeping at home, and less time doing work at work.

No bogan dust here. Source: GIPHY

The morning coffee is something I’m torn on though. Obviously coffee at home is the most frugal option, which is a club I subscribe to, but it is time-consuming. The coffee on the way is also time-consuming and money consuming, but the quality and convenience of not being your own waitress is handy. Queen Moni suggests the coffee at work, always. It’s got it’s pros - free and again, minimises time working. But on the downside, there’s a 96% chance it tastes like liquid cardboard.

If any of us were on Masterchef, which let’s be honest, it’s quite clear none of us ever would be, but if we were, we would be disqualified immediately for our deplorable culinary habits. While yes they are efficient, we couldn’t even get a job being underpaid by George Columbaris with these skills. And look when I say ‘we’ it’s actually mainly me. And it’s only mainly me, because, I know I wasn’t going to talk about lockdown, but now I am. I’m so sick of being the chef in my house and not getting paid. I’m taking all the shortcuts that I previously would have whipped myself for even entertaining before lockdown.

No thanks. Source: GIPHY

Pre lockdown Nicole would tell you a freezer is for ice cream and meat. Lockdown Nicole will tell you a freezer is for frozen meals. Realistically I know, it doesn’t matter how gourmet you make your packaging, frozen meals are like fake Louis Vuitton bags, it’s just not quite right. But I’m so over cooking that I just don’t care, give me that Lean Cuisine. Even pasta is in the cbf basket for me now.

Accurate representation of how slow I chop. Source: GIPHY

Recently I stooped even further than the frozen meal - to the dreaded powder sauce. Yes, I’ve been getting Continental carbonara where the sauce is a powder and you just add milk and butter. It’s not even real food. I’m not actually the only one with these questionable culinary habits. Fan Stephanie hates wasting time chopping vegetables, so she’s in an exclusive relationship with onion powder and minced garlic. I feel like that rivals the powder carbonara sauce, right? Marisa also has a mandolin to chop her veggies and there’s nothing off about that one actually. At least her vegetables are fresh and not frozen. I mean, would you rather a personal chef or a cleaner? For me, 100% I would take a personal chef every day of the week. On an unrelated, but totally related note, when is Hello Fresh going to sponsor us?

Fans, there’s one more lazy skill I want to share, which is from fan Christina and actually is in our list of life rules, right up there with you never really know anyone ever and that is...only ever make one trip. Whether it’s laundry, groceries, bringing bags in from the car, one trip max. You’re saving yourself the effort of two trips, but also with all the weight you’re carrying, you’re unknowingly getting in a little workout, and the unknowing workout is the best exercise of all.

Thirsty for more? Enlighten your earholes with a new ep of the Large Almond Latte Podcast every Tuesday.


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