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  • Nicole Sherwin

The Elder Millennial Hotel

Insta-worthy decor, brunch included and hangover free alcohol. What more could you want?

Yes, this will largely be photos of me on holiday. Image: Supplied.

This week we asked you in our Facebook Group: What you will NEVER, EVER, EVER do again?

And in somewhat of a tangent whilst still threading through elements the original topic, I have come up with a top-notch business idea that will have the elder millennials flocking!

Me, age 30. Source: GIPHY

It’s a strong indication that you’ve reached 30 when you claim you will never ever stay in a hostel again, as fan Molly did. And Mol, even if you wanted to, I feel like a lot of them have rules where over 30s are banned, because remember how there was always that random 55-year old nomad in your 12-bed mixed dorm which was awkward af? And honestly, she was probably just 30 but felt old when you were 21. So basically, she was me.

This is the standard I now expect. Source: GIPHY

I’ve given the hostel stay way too much thought. Like, it definitely has its cons – people banging in the bunk above you, people getting up to pack at 4am, snoring, catching fleas from the mattress that is thinner than 2-ply toilet paper. So yeah, I want to stay somewhere where I can get a comfortable 12-hour sleep so I can go sightseeing in the morning. But when you stay in a hostel, you’re usually on a lengthy trip and I do not want to spend that much time with one person, I want to meet people. Which is magic in itself, because in real life, that is not a hobby of mine. Where else, other than a hostel can you meet someone and an hour later be IG and FB connected and heading out alone together, totally trusting they won’t murder you? Whenever I search for somewhere to stay now that’s a hostel, I’m always trying to find a place I think will still be fun and filled with young-ish people. And I fail, frequently, because it’s not a thing… until now.

This will do just fine. Source: @thebalibible

To combat this first-world dilemma, I’ve come up with a solution and honestly, I’m really excited about it. Which is sad, because you know, we can’t travel and this also doesn’t exist. I think there needs to be a hotel version of a hostel for 25-40ish year olds. Firstly, we don’t work part-time at Woollies anymore, so we can probably afford more than $7 a night, but we’re also not retired and living the $1200 a night at the Plaza hotel life. So, we need something in between.

Gram compatibility is of the utmost importance. Source: @thebalibible

The entire hotel has to be completely Insta worthy, like The Slow in Bali. Modern rooms, good photography lighting, amazing infinity pool. But you know we’re good with Ikea furniture, so save money there (except the bed, we need quality beds for our ailing bodies. And memory foam pillows for fan Ilya, because he will never travel without his again). Well Ilya - now you can!

Gram worthy stays a plenty. Image: Supplied

We don’t need the full buffet breakfast (although obviously we do need breakfast included). Keep your vegetables and soup breakfasts. We need lots of photogenic smoothie bowl options - all the acai, ricotta pancakes, omelettes, French toast, avo. Yeahhh, we’ll just have a Melbourne brunch menu and throw in some local cuisine so we don’t look totally ignorant. We’ll need some late-night snacks, and by late-night snacks I mean 10pm, like souvs, KFC, Maccas for us to devour when we’re well lit. Even though as fan Charlie says, we will definitely wake up the next day saying we will never eat the dirty bird again.

No bar, no stay. Source:

The pool, and I cannot stress this enough, must be a pool bar. A few different pools. Like, one that's more of a doof-doof pool and another chill/hungover pool, a pool for perfecting your backflips, lots of lilos for the IG shots. Basically, a pool club. Flowing drinks, snacks, maybe some drinking games, cabanas – that we are not paying extra for (obv) or buying a Moet Magnum for the privilege of sitting there. It’s included.

One free cocktail a day in this stay. Image: Supplied

The drinks have to be quality alcohol, because our hangovers are real. Never again, like fan Grace says, can we drink wine from a box. It’s included in the stay. The hotel will organise nights out. Nice dinners, bars. But obvi dinner will start at 6pm head to the bar by 8pm, and home in bed by midnight. Mmm, sleep!

What’s not allowed: I’d like to say children, but this is a dilemma for me, since I have one, so I will have to compromise here. You can bring a parent that can look after your child or hire one of the hotel nannies. There is a children’s area, but it’s very separate so they’re out of the way of the adults. Also, Southern Cross tattoos and Bingtang singlets are banned. Yes, obviously I imagine this hotel is in Bali. (Note from Jess: this means my husband is banned, but I get it).

Free sunscreen for everyone! Source: GIPHY

What else is not allowed? NOT WEARING SUNSCREEN! There will be more free-flowing sunscreen than Grey Goose. Because NEVER AGAIN we will not wear sunscreen! Fan Laura said, and I staunchly agree, we are so mad at our younger selves for being so sun stupid! Young Nicole owes me so much money for all the cash I now have to spend on botox and good skincare to make up for her tanning, which was fruitless anyway. I never reached my goal of looking like Christina Aguilera in the Dirrty film clip. I’m Casper, I just went a strong shade of red, so IT. WASN’T. EVENT. WORTH. IT.

Traumatising. Soure: The Fashion Faux Paus of Gabrielle

Needless to say, there also will be no solarium, an equally sun stupid venture that fan Laura, myself and countless others engaged in. The only difference with this one is that it was successful, and so after 10x sessions on fearing for my life after watching Final Destination and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, I was bronnnzzze. Stupid as fuck, but bronze. I genuinely do like being tanned though. It makes me feel healthier, my skin tone even, and at this hotel since we’re all about body confidence, there will be FREE spray tans, because fake tan is the best invention since the wheel.

Also banned from the hotel will be SUN IN, a hair regret from fan Christina that is bigger than cutting your own bangs. You spray it on your hair like hairspray and voila! You’re blonde like Christina in the Dirtty film clip. Except you’re not - you’re a red, orange, yellow, brown where you missed bits and it's a disaster. I casually sprayed Sun-In while I was sunscreenlessly tanning at my school swimming sports, away from my mother’s disapproving eye. And my hair went as red as my Irish catholic sunburnt skin. Disaster. NEVER AGAIN.

Nannies provided. Source: GIPHY

So, something else that will be present at the hotel is a sober mother (who obvi doubles as the child nanny), because your mother always knows best. She told you not to pluck your eyebrows within an inch of their life, she told you not to dye your beautiful hair with natural highlights and she told you that when she was young, she used to tan with baby oil and now she’s paying for it, but you did it anyway you nong, and at this hotel she will tell you not to sleep with that guy who’s been buying you drinks all day, because the drinks are included in your stay and he has an eyebrow ring. JUST LISTEN TO YOUR MUM.

This hotel would be fully booked 365 days a year. And obv as LAL listeners you’d get priority booking. So if you’re a budding philanthropist who’d like to donate/full bankroll this worthy cause, slide into my DMs.

Thirsty for more? Listen to a new ep of the Large Almond Latte Pod, every Tuesday.


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