You're Too Old For That!

The things you're way too old for, like playing a 16-year old high school student at 34.

Wouldn't even get ID'd at the bottle-o. Source: The Insider

This week, we put the question to our LAL Group, “What do you still do that you’re way too old for?”

There are more old actors playing teenagers in Hollywood then there are Jews (I can say that because I’m a Jew.) Rachel McAdams was 25 when she played Regina George in Mean Girls, Stockard Channing was 34 when she played Rizzo in Grease, Andrew Garfield was 29 when he played Peter Parker in Spiderman and for you Harry Potter nerds, Shirely Henderson was 36 when she played Moaning Myrtle. Honestly, playing a teenager as a 30-something is peak flattery.

Ask any casting director, or read a Teen Vogue article and get a quote from one like I did, and you’ll find that the reason that Hollywood cast older actors to play teens is because it’s a practicality. Child labour laws are a nightmare. There’s permits, insurance and you have to give them study time in-case that child acting career doesn’t pan out. Plus, older actors are simply more mature. Sure, those answers are convenient but I think after this week’s question to our LAL Group, “What do you still do that you’re way too old for?” I can safely conclude the real reason they hire older actors is to keep their audience safe from immoral/illegal thoughts. Because their audience isn’t just teenagers. It’s us, the elder millennial. By a landslide victory, the thing most of us do that we’re way too old for is watch/read anything with teenage main characters. Riverdale, OC, Looking For Alaska, Outer Banks, 13 Reasons Why, etc. So they hire older actors so that when we have sex dreams about Lucas Scott after watching eight episodes a day of ‘One Tree Hill’ in lockdown, they’re just making sure it’s legal.

Of course he's 28. Source Netflix

Fan Grace got a little too excited for The Kissing Booth 2, as you know I also did. But don’t worry Grace, none of the actors are really teenagers. And Marco, the one that genuinely looks old enough to be a teacher. Well, that’s because he is, he’s old enough to be a Principal. He’s 28 IRL.

The only time it’s acceptable to hire actual teenager actors, is when the characters are tweens. Suffice to say, there will be no elder millennial crushes. Fan Bronwyn recently watched The Baby-Sitters Club OG. Safe. Fan Chanel recently re-watched the top two Disney Channel shows every made, Lizzie Maguire and Hannah Montana. Both safe, and just-in-case you were going to get a crush on Jackson, Hannah’s older brother, don’t worry, he was 29.

Is. this okay? Source: GIPHY

There is one situation that I’m unsure of the rules on though. And that’s when you grow up being the same age as said leading thirst trap, so it’s totally fine, but then you re-watch and old movie or tv-show and you’re wayyy old. Like Zac Efron in ‘17 Again,’ when he struts into that school with aviators and leather on. Thiiiiirst. He was 22 then, that’s okay, right? As long as I’m not crushing on him as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, which I’m totally not.

I’m sure there’s psychology as to why we still prefer the ‘coming of age’ genre. But all I can say is, I’m just not ready to watch ‘Desperate Housewives’ or British Murder Mysteries with middle-aged leading ladies. Maybe it’s a form of denial because I’m really much closer to divorced, spinster-ville than being a high school cheerleader at Friday night football games and I don’t want to admit that I’ll never meet my Riggins.

Lish: Source: GIPHY

While we’re watching these teen dramas, we’re definitely not snacking on dark chocolate and caviar, because we still eat like five-year-olds. Allen's Party Mix is on the shopping list before meat or veggies for Fans Grace and Sarai. Fans Claire and Georgia will be having ice cream with the chocolate sauced stirred in so it’s more like a 'lish Maccas thick-shake. Fan Annabelle’s bringing the fairy bread (with crust off of course, for Fan Simeon) and sausage rolls. Obviously, we won’t be drinking wine either. Fan Lucy will bring the cordial, which she drinks every. DAY. That’s the only one on the list that genuinely makes me anxious...because of diabetes. Like as an actual adult, I do froth a cheese patter and some guoc, but I wouldn’t mind an adult gathering every now and then where they popped out a plate of fairy bread. Like por que no los dos?

Who wouldn't want to see Frozen on the big screen? Source: GIPHY

I’ve previously suggested being a mum has some great perks, aside from the child. Being a Real Housewife is the dream, it’s a great way to make adult friends. And as Fan Lola pointed out, if you have a child you can do all of the above and use them as an excuse. Fan Sasha, free of guilt, enjoys cartoons, comics, books, playing with toys. Fan Lisa’s 8-month-old loves the intro to Thomas The Tank, but she’ll watch it all the way through. You don’t even need your own child. Want to see a Disney movie and the cinemas? Just find a kid to take like. Fan Georgia does. I can confirm borrowing one is definitely wiser than going through the trauma of labour just to see Frozen at Westfield with no shame.

My absolute favourite response by far to the question though came from Fan Karina. In one word, when we asked what are you too old for, she simply answered, “Dating.” The topic of dating is like a big, juicy cyst. (yeah, I watch a lot of Dr Pimple Popper.) There’s so much underneath the surface, but once you prick that surface it all comes flowing out. So I’m not squeezing the cyst today, but never fear I’ve got something in the works. I know nothing about dating, but I felt it was a bit of a gap in my coverage, so I’m working with a millennial dating expert to come on and do a few segments on the topic once we’re out of lockdown. And by expert, I mean, someone that’s 30 and dating. She’s also a ‘K’ grade celeb, so it’s exciting.

I don’t know why these things have to be restricted to ‘children’ anyway. Well, maybe legal and health reasons. But if it’s legal and healthy, who cares? If we enjoy it, it works for us, whatever. I won’t be cancelling my Disney+ anytime soon.

Thirsty for more? Listen to the Large Almond Latte Podcast for more low-involvement brunch banter.