ISO Single!

If you feel personally attacked by the ‘partner visit’ rule for restrictions, raise your hand.

By Lauren Riccardi

Source: The Atlantic

If you feel personally attacked by the ‘partner visit’ rule for restrictions, raise your hand. My best friends are my soulmate partners, and can I visit them? NO. ISO single!

To my fellow single Victorians: I don’t know about anyone else, but during Stage 4 lockdown, I have never felt more single in my life. After much analysis, I have come to the conclusion that I can blame these feelings on a range of factors that previously brought joy, but now just remind me of my ongoing singleness during lockdown. Let’s take a look at the culprits of my single gal/girl self-pity party, shall we?

Swiping nowhere

Dating apps: Obsolete. Source: GiPHY

I’m sorry, but every app that claims to be ‘connecting us all’ through social distancing is utter bullshit. Dating apps were obviously my first point of call when restrictions kicked in. After never having used them before, I found the thrill and adrenaline of swiping through profiles of eye-catching singles to be just what I needed. But after the many, many dry conversations asking if I had lost my job (which I had, cheers rona, good chat), and what I had been doing with my spare time (eating cookies in my pjs and a facemask), I called it quits. For those who have persevered, I commend your efforts. Sincerely. I, however, lost all sense of commitment to maintaining conversation with a stranger for the unlikely, slight possibility, of maybe one day, meeting them in the unprecedented, post-restrictions future at a dingy restaurant or bar far from home.

Table for one

Food and alcohol delivery when single means passive-aggressive serving sizes. Source: GiPHY

When you order anything from a food delivery service, it is almost guaranteed that they will either give you extra sets of cutlery believing it’s for two, or they’ll go completely the other way – they’re acutely aware that it's a one-person order and will provide some pity-side - cue the extra roti bread (note: not the worst). These polite gestures, which would usually be considered great customer service, are a slap in the face to us singles in lockdown. No one else is here. It’s just me, sitting in my trackies, digging my head into the delivery bag, trying to find a rogue chip. I appreciate the kindness, but that’s enough.

Roommates

Living with couples: The unspoken truth. Source: GiPHY

If you have the ‘joy’ of sharing your home with a couple, I feel your pain. Whether it be your parents, roommates, friends or siblings who are in relationships with you as the third wheel, then you are highly aware of the sexual antics that are occurring under the roof that you share. No one’s talking about it, but it’s happening, and it is just another reminder that you are extremely single…especially during curfew hours…

Authority figures

Press conference regulars: The only constants atm. Source: Australian Associated Press

We’ve all seen the articles and anyone who denies it is a liar. Brett Sutton is quite the looker #unbuttonforsutton. I don’t know if it’s his power, quick-fire responses, his Aussie-bloke vibe or all of the above, but Australia’s love of Brett has made me observe press conferences with a whole different view. Whilst Australians have labelled him as a ‘sex symbol’, married, sexy Brett is not helping me and my deprived feelings relating to my single status. Enough!

Netflix and nothing

Binging a series: An unwelcome reminder. Source: GiPHY

Why do I continue to watch shows that are centred around love and dating? Because I like to put myself through pain, apparently. For some reason, I thoroughly enjoy watching people couple up and flaunt their sexual chemistry so much that I voluntarily binge shows like Love Island and Normal People. Because there’s nothing better than watching people exchange stolen glances, or pashing, to make a dry spell feel infinite.

So, to all the people and factors contributing to my singledom, I do not appreciate it. At all. Goodnight.